Great Expectations

Firstly there is becoming a mum. After the initial shock of losing your independence, freedom and night time sleep (thus aging an irreversible 10+ years), by the time your baby is about 6 months old you will likely have conceded to your new status as lifelong resident of Momville, population: happy (ish), contended (ish) and tired (most definitely). Here you will begun to understand the notion of responsibility, compromise and (most of all) sacrifice. Sacrifice of: youth, looks, breast elasticity, social calendar, and general ability to do whatever the f you want whenever you f’ing want to.

Then there is becoming a dad. Mr Grouch, like many daddies, has never experienced the cold striking blow of losing one’s entire freedom and sanity to care solely for a small warm purple faced crying creature around the clock. Daddy Grouch actually spent the first 12 months of our first child’s life sleeping peacefully in the room next door to us while mother and baby unilaterally performed night long feeding and screaming sessions. As a result, he was not emotionally present when our household relocated to the suburb of Momville and it would be fair to say that four years on with two kids under his belt, his expectations have not yet aligned.

My weekend aspirations, of which almost all will be achieved (provided 4:45pm counts as a reasonable drinking hour):

– Having (or at least showing) the restraint to wait until it is sufficiently dark outside to acceptably begin the drinking of the wine – Watching eBay – Showering alone long enough to experiment with novelties such as shampoo, conditioner and body soap – Buying the groceries for the week ahead.

Weekend aspirations of Mr Grouch, with a paltry 25% success rate:

– Popping in and out of the house for fleeting moments to experience fatherland and husbandry – Watching lengthy (uninterrupted) surf documentaries on iPad while minding both children – Visiting remote islands off Indonesia to surf – Trekking through Nepal by oneself

To help highlight the causes of mid life crises in daddies, I have created the following graph.

#malemidlifecrisis