Homemade Bleach & Foreplay

Our wedding day. I do solemnly swear to never recognise this insignificant date again

At some point during that interminable lockdown was our 7th wedding anniversary. For the 7th time, we forgot about celebrating it. However, I am positive that this year we spent the day together and I can hundy percent guarantee I cooked us dinner – but the closest we got to bang bang was me running the vacuum cleaner near my lover’s bare feet.

At the very onset of the stay home edict, Mr Grouch cranked up his already highly-piqued germaphobe meter. He became convinced one of us was going to be infected with the virus and imposed a ‘no touching’ rule – no hugs and no kisses, and took to sleeping on the ‘ledge’ of our king sized bed like a paranoid pigeon. Honestly, if he realised how much I paw through the salads I am making for our dinner each night he would see how foolish he looks. *Licks fingers*

Mr Grouch even went on to find a NY Times article which instructed on how to intensively clean your house in case COVID is lurking. This consists of painstakingly changing your cleaning cloth or wipe for each 15 square cm of surface, ensuring you disinfect every wall, bench top, light switch and doorknob with a homemade bleach mixture, on a daily basis.

He added, “Well this seems to be good practice for cleaning beyond Coronavirus too,” – very calmly and matter of fact.

As you can imagine, I took this advice and – very calmly, matter of factly – filed it in a box of notes for his second wife.

Merry anniversary Mr Grouch.